You may have realized there are no photos on this blog up to date. This may change, for I will also introduce Project of crafts and esoteric ones. But it´s not the time yet. I want to submit what led me to this point, and it was in my head alone, and it can be difficult to transport it via picture or even movie media. It was merely thoughts, feelings and meditations that drove me to the point where I am now. That is not to say I am worthy of leading anyone. I am no master, and I follow no master myself. I have a deep suspicion towards anyone claiming to be a spiritual leader, for in my experience there can only be guidance in the deity - or the deities. I personally have a close affinity towards the Druidic belief, but I am no member of one of those many modern orders, for I was always put off by their claims of spiritual superiority and lack of integrity at the same time for the most part. Having met some members of the OBOD, I can suspect they are not that kind, but that´s a suspicion, too;-).
So I could not do any different than ask the God and Goddess of all Gods, who make up God, the Deity for guidance. It is a personal emotion, and a very personal one, that they actually did.
So what did I do? Strange rituals in sacred groves? Butchering cats at midnight? Not at all. It is a bit difficult to transport in words what actually happened. I read a lot. I studied strange things on the university. I realized that I was a weak shadow of a human being and did soemthing against it. For instance, the human organism is made to RUN 20 km per day. Most people - including me at that time- are not able to even walk 10 km. So I started to train my body, for: "orandum est, ut sit mens sana in corpore sano";-). I walked, and I found herbs and plants, and trees, and I learned-or better: remembered- what I now know about wood- and bushcraft and traditional crafts. I had the feeling that music belonged to the whole picture, and poetry, and knowledge of ancient tales. So I played my guitar (I spare you the audio files) and tooted into my flute. I learned to set my words in many different rhyme schemes, I read a lot of fairy tales, mythologies and ancient books of lore. All this I did with respect and wonder, and with a dream. I learned to meditate, all by myself, and control my body and live my sexuality. I did this after the "Taijiyinghuazhong", in the translation of Richard Willhelm, and after a scheme I geometrically reduced from crop circles, rosicrucian and free mason diagrams and cave paintings. I visited schamanistic meetings, and even if all those did not make it for a spiritual master or even guide, I learned a lot about my soul and my spirit and the power that drives my life. There were many crisis on that way, but there were also many intense encounters I will always value. I also honoured my ancestors, and I will always respect those individuals honestly following the path of other religions. You will learn why if you follow this blog;-). I did a lot of stump-sitting, just being in the woods and contemplating and dreaming, and I have done this all my life. Even as a child, I have followed this path. And I daresay I would not and could not be otherwise. It´s not that I deliberately chose to walk this way out of desparation or boredom or disorientation, even if those were factors, too, of course. It is hard to be enlightened while you are queuing for your dole, I know that first hand, even if I never queued for my dole. I ate herbs and other edibles, even roadkill instead, for I think the social system primarily acts as a means of psychological controlling these days. I have long critisized the system and it would not be appropriate if I then lived off it. I rode my mountainbike, was politically active in the founding of associations and clubs of sports and crafts and in my job as a clerk for a city marketing, and all this was a part of the path. But all this, summed up, would not make this path a special one, and I think it´s not a special one in the first. There are many individuals out there making similar experiences all the time, and I could rant on endlessly about my being on a very important stride, but I am not.
I want to write for them, for I know from a first - hand - experience that it´s the hardest path one can choose in these times to follow one´s heart and the call within our own soul. It was Moshé Feldenkrais who stated that society has no interest in the individual developing itself towards its full potential, and I found this to be true. I know that it is a task to defend oneself against those forces trying "to keep you down"(even if that, also, is not exactly the right term), but the path goes farther than that. It is true that everyone is responsible for one´s behaviour, and everyone is free to choose the direction he / she is headed to. It is a commonplace in my moral codex that one should care about those weaker than oneself, and treat everybody as if one would like to be treated, to do as one wishes, as long as noone is harmed. But this system tends to develop a habit of preying on the STRONG. One example: A friend of mine is a professional master blacksmith. He is extremely skilled, and owns several official certificates in the bargain. He works seven days a week and is just so able to live and entertain his family on his trade, because he lives on the products of his self-sustaining farmland and his wife has a job also. He is despised in society and treated with contempt. Another example is another acquaintance of mine, a professional alternative practitioner in the Buddhist tradition. He is treated with contempt by the very people he has healed! Those were businessmen who do not believe in "that crap".
I cannot do anything against those morons. But I, for one, can treat their way of life with respect. That´s no big thing, for everyone, from the lowest junkie bum to the pope his self;-) deserves respect.
And that leads me to that part I find hard to talk of. I feel loved. Sometimes, when the path got hard and harder, and the hammer of fate bore down upon me, I forgot it that this love and the amazement about it was the one thing that drove me on. I have never ceased to believe into the deity, the law of the universe, or the AI as I like to call it, or the Ais, as the Iliad likes to call it;-). I feel loved, and in case you forget, I hope this blog might serve you and strengthen you on your path, as this yearning and the amazement has guided me towards this point in the landscape of my soul. This love is subjective, for sure, but there are techniques to learn to feel it. I will not to be made responsible if you try them out, for they work for me and might not do for you. I will not to be taken as a leader. I beg you to take me as one wanting to tell you where he has been. I want to share my stories at the campfire, and sing a song. Who knows if it be true?;-)
I want to stop lying, by the way;-), for sure, and that is one of the hardest things that were an exercise on the path. I try to stop lying. Not only in big issues, but also on my personal behalf. I want to stop lying to myself, and to stop lying to others. It is not easy to do, mind you, and do not believe I can manage that all the time. I have a marketing day job that can be a bit compromising on that behalf, but I found out the truth about the properties of a good project (project city marketing is what I do) is appreciated by customers. I have somehow managed to only do projects I believe in.
I do not ask that from anyone, but I have no television anymore. So, I spend a lot of time on the internet, but I cut down on that, too. I did that as an exercise, too. Most of the stuff you read in the press or watch on TV or on the web isn´t true anyway. There´s a huge pile of rubbish told in the media, and you have to listen carefully to weed out the truth from the remake. I know that first-hand-too, from my job, for I do press-releases, and it´s often copy-paste-here-comes-the-article. I do not despise those media representants, for I know they have a hard and underpaid job at times.
I want to learn. I want to stay inquisitorial. Must I really explain this?;-) I want never to stop wondering, and I also learn the arts of "the enemy". It does not hurt to learn business work, as long as you don´t get lost in it. That way I cannot simply be discarded as one of those "dreadlock-wearing bums not able to work for their own best". It is hard, however, to learn the trade of Mammon and not get lost in the process. By the way, a totally inspiring read on this behalf is the essay "Mammon and the Black goddess" by Robert Graves (Mammon and the Black Goddess. London: Cassell, 1965; New York: Doubleday, 1965.). Keeping in mind I was on a varior´s path, I managed, sometimes not so well, but for now I can say that I did. I learned a lot by listening to trees and springs and flowers. I listened to old people, craftsmen, soldiers, housewives, butchers, hunters, even preachers, psychologists, street bums and whores as well as businessmen, clerks and heads of department, and I learned from children, actually learned a lot more from them than from many adults. My whole life is about learning. The path is constant learning in my book, and keeping up a constant sense of wonder.
I do many so - called "sensible" things. But for every thing I must do, I do a crazy thing I must not do-as long as noone is harmed again;-). I have danced on moonlit hills, crowed my share of cries on mountaintops and a load of stuff I do not even care to mention;-).
I hug trees.;-)
I sit on ancient dolmen sites and sing my poetry.
And, the craziest thing at all, I keep going on this crazy path.